As you may or may not know, I am a person that likes to reflect on the past. I say fuck the future, the past ruled. If I could, I would go back into the past to the very summer I am going to talk about in this blog. So much tomfoolery, so little time.

So my best friend at the time, Craig, was literally my next door neighbour (yes we tried the whole aluminum can and string telephone… don’t even get me started on that piece of tripe). Just try to imagine the hilarity that ensued.

Our friend Peter lived directly across the street from me, and our other really good friend Jeff lived about a block away. It’s the summer, we’re between grades 8 and 9…. pff… jobs. Our jobs were stealing things and crapping on people’s doorsteps late at night. One particular evening Jeff happened to have diahrrea, let’s just leave it at that.

Luckily our backyards also faced a main road which was about 75 yards away. Obviously, we busted out a 7 iron. (wouldnt we be stupid NOT to?). Previously we had stolen a huge bucket of golf balls from this weiner we knew who had stolen them from the driving range the day before. That’s right, stealing from stealers. We were basically Robin Hood but instead of giving our loot to the poor, we rocketed them at speeding vehicles.

Anyway, so we’re trying to hit these moving cars, but we’re not the greatest golfers. Craig’s handicap was about 19 at the time and mine was something like 83, give or take.

We got pretty close to hitting a few cars … one actually bounced underneath a car which made a delightful sound. The guy driving didn’t see us and I’m pretty sure he just thought he ran over a rock or something. A bouncy rock. I dont know.

So I hadn’t had much luck so far, Craig was getting all the good hits, but kept slicing … or hooking. or … hitting sand traps. Bogey. 3 wood. etc etc.

Then, suddenly, I took a swing and it was as if angels were guiding me. My swing was epic. Tiger Woods himself said “that was the most amazing swing I have ever seen … buy Nike”. I’m pretty sure at that very moment when the 7 iron struck the ball, I heard a heavenly choir singing hymns, some mountains crumbled, and The Rock gave the people’s elbow to some Jabroni. At that VERY moment.

As I was watching the ball fly through the air in complete self-admiration, I glanced down to see a car coming at perfect speed. The driver looked at me, possibly mesmerized by the sunshine flickering off of the 7 iron that was regrettably still gripped in my hands. Simultaneously, a look of confusion appeared on his face as a look of total fear appeared on mine.

The cops knocked on the door about 30 minutes later. Needless to say, we got off scot-free, and we kept the bucket for more mischeivous acts involving super glue and raw hamburger. Okay I made that last part up.

Tiger woods still calls me every once in a while.