You know internet, you’re not a bad guy…you’re not.

I rely on you for communicating with my friends and keeping up with sports scores and the odd music download. Trust me, I appreciate all you do.

But listen, when you send your minions out to post links to old men having a gay orgy, that’s where I draw the line.

The fact I can find a picture of the black guy from the Sprint/Nextel “You Agitatin’ My Dots?” commercial is great.

But when I click on a link, and it takes me to a tutorial WITH PICTURES on how to cut my own penis in half….it makes me sad.

I have seen pictures of pretty much anything and everything gross on the internet, from old man orgies to the very inside of an ass. I don’t think anything in real life could shock me now. Like I could see a midget violating a one-armed nun all whilst fellating a horse, and I’d be like “REPOST…yawn…seen it”.

I’m honestly considering installing some sort of firewall filter made for 13 year old kids so I can avoid burning out my retinas before the age of 25, but then I consider some more and realize that would seriously hinder my surfing for porn.

So really internet…help a brother out and try and keep those pages on the down-low, at least until I die.

I was thinking about dying the other day (OMG Emo), and having an inoperable disease or something, where I knew that I was going to die in 6 months or something, and what I’d do.

Most people would say stuff like “I’d go swim with the dolphins!!1″ or “I’d spend some quality time with my family”.

Pussies.

I’d go to a furniture store when they were having a “Don’t Pay ‘Til 2008″ sale, and buy like $10,000 worth of stuff. Then when they phoned to collect they’d get totally shot down.

My Mom: Hello?
Furniture Guy: Hi, we’re looking for Matt? He owes us like $13,000 for the 13 King Size beds he bought back in 06.
My Mom: He’s dead LOL!
Furniture Guy: Can’t argue with that, aight layta!

Right on, stickin it to the man….all the way from the grave.

On that note, I’m perfectly happy being alive, so God, don’t get any ideas or anything. Thanks Bro.