You know internet, you’re not a bad guy…you’re not.

I rely on you for communicating with my friends and keeping up with sports scores and the odd music download. Trust me, I appreciate all you do.

But listen, when you send your minions out to post links to old men having a gay orgy, that’s where I draw the line.

The fact I can find a picture of the black guy from the Sprint/Nextel “You Agitatin’ My Dots?” commercial is great.

But when I click on a link, and it takes me to a tutorial WITH PICTURES on how to cut my own penis in half….it makes me sad.

…continue reading Now I’ve Seen Everything

You know, when the messenger pigeon made it to me with the message that I had won life…I was pretty pumped. I mean, the furthest I had made it before was like Level 9 (Cancer got me, son of a bitch). Anyways, I was really excited to win life. I watch a lot of TV, so I’m smart enough to know that winners on those reality shows get like, a million bucks, so I figure winning the ultimate reality show (see: life) would give me a pretty nice prize. How wrong I was. Besided said messenger pigeon having a nasty case of smallpox, I didn’t really “win” anything. Not even a pimped car or celebrity makeover a’la MTV. Nope, just the ability to blog and permission to use a sweet avatar. Still, this can’t be it. I’m going to continue posting under the assumption that each post earns me points to winning different things….like radios and skateboards, like the selling programs they used to put in the back of Archie Comics to make kids sell their dumb shit.

I’m going to work my way up to a Tobey Mcguire makeover, just you watch. Until then, send me shit in the hospital, smallpox sucks…and so does the rash/vomiting….the excessive bleeding I can deal with.

Too often these days people rely on foul language to express their emotions. When in pain, when angry, or even when someone is just trying to get their point across.

FUCKING SHIT GODDAMN ASSHOLE! MY MOTHERFUCKING TOE HURTS LIKE SHIT!

This is highly unnecessary. Fucking funny as a shit-eating cock-ass, but still unnecessary.
So I have composed a list of commonly used swears and alternatives for the office place, formal party or even during a wholesome game of Clue. (p.s. Colonel Mustard is clearly homosexual. He would have been all over Miss Scarlet. Hello… MISS Scarlet, Colonel. Get on it. Oh wait, you like penis? Oh, well I think Professor Plum is pretty open-minded.) Anyway … here it is.
…continue reading An Alternative to Profanity

Yes. He may be responsible for over 500 murders, but come on, how could you not think this guy rules!? If you haven’t heard, he was recently busted by Italian authorities, and was the most wanted man in Italy for over 42 years. This was the guy. The Godfather, The Don, The mob boss of it all. He was literally the Godfather of the Corleone family, so to speak. During his rise to the boss of all bosses, he became known as the tractor, because of the way he mows people down. Hey, I’m sure they deserved it. I can’t imagine the godfather taking down innocent children or something because he felt like it. He killed traitors, informants, and opposing family members trying to steal loot or uncover confidential information regarding the family’s business. Winner of life, plain and simple.

For more, read this: thefirstpost.co.uk

I knew I’d be impressed.

I waited for this for atleast 3 years, but when the time came I sat on my ass and stayed apathetic for a reason that is still unclear to me.
Perhaps it was the metalhead in me refusing it. But finally, I have achieved a higher state of existence and obtained the newest Propagandhi release.

When ‘Todays Empires, Tomorrows Ashes’ came out, I instantly deemed it my single favorite CD in my collection. There was no transition period or ‘warming up’ to the album whatsoever. Less than halfway through the first song and I was in complete awe.

This release is not quite the same. But then again, I didn’t expect it to be. …continue reading Potemkin City Limits