I was looking in the local Yellow Pages today for something that starts with the letter E (we’ll say … enema discount services) when I came across the Escort section.

Okay I know we have all seen this section and some of us have possibly even pranked called a few. Not me, of course … that’s just wrong. But I think I have found a new little “quirk” about me. Whenever I am in a new city I like to read the escort pages and see what type of ridiculous advertisements they have. It’s not weird, I swear. …continue reading This is more sad than it is funny

I am stressed out here people. Things in my world have been turned upside-down.

I went on the record a little while back…saying that Scientists needed to get their shit together and keep our group of planets tight…and not be letting any rifraff in (asteroids, moons, my ego etc.). So what do they decide to do? They kick pluto right the fuck OUT of the solar system!

What a bunch of douchebags!

They’re all “Pluto is an Icy Dwarf…not a planet…not anymore”.

Tell that to my now-inaccurate lunchbox (comeplete with thermos) jackasses. I will now have to put black electrical tape over Pluto.

…continue reading From Hero To Zero

Kudos to StayPuft for introducing a new website to me, called Googlefight.com.

Basically what it does is compare google results between two topics, phrases or words.
As an example, if I put “douche bag” in the first spot, and “giant flaming homo” in the second, it will show me that Douche Bag comes back with over 2.5 million results (most of them pertaining to Ryan Seacrest), and Giant Flaming Homo returns with just over 100,000 results, all pictures of Dr. Von Nostrand and/or Ryan Seacrest.

So I think you get the point.

Now what I’m going to do is prove once and for all that the absolute most abundant topic on the internet is porno (aka prOn, if you’re an a-hole).

First up: Let’s Compare porn to something that should be on every concerned citizen’s mind right now. The L.A. Lakers.

…continue reading An Epilogue Into Why Al Gore Invented the Internet

As you may or may not know, I am a person that likes to reflect on the past. I say fuck the future, the past ruled. If I could, I would go back into the past to the very summer I am going to talk about in this blog. So much tomfoolery, so little time.

So my best friend at the time, Craig, was literally my next door neighbour (yes we tried the whole aluminum can and string telephone… don’t even get me started on that piece of tripe). Just try to imagine the hilarity that ensued.
…continue reading Summer of ‘69 (give or take 30 years)

You know internet, you’re not a bad guy…you’re not.

I rely on you for communicating with my friends and keeping up with sports scores and the odd music download. Trust me, I appreciate all you do.

But listen, when you send your minions out to post links to old men having a gay orgy, that’s where I draw the line.

The fact I can find a picture of the black guy from the Sprint/Nextel “You Agitatin’ My Dots?” commercial is great.

But when I click on a link, and it takes me to a tutorial WITH PICTURES on how to cut my own penis in half….it makes me sad.

…continue reading Now I’ve Seen Everything

You know, when the messenger pigeon made it to me with the message that I had won life…I was pretty pumped. I mean, the furthest I had made it before was like Level 9 (Cancer got me, son of a bitch). Anyways, I was really excited to win life. I watch a lot of TV, so I’m smart enough to know that winners on those reality shows get like, a million bucks, so I figure winning the ultimate reality show (see: life) would give me a pretty nice prize. How wrong I was. Besided said messenger pigeon having a nasty case of smallpox, I didn’t really “win” anything. Not even a pimped car or celebrity makeover a’la MTV. Nope, just the ability to blog and permission to use a sweet avatar. Still, this can’t be it. I’m going to continue posting under the assumption that each post earns me points to winning different things….like radios and skateboards, like the selling programs they used to put in the back of Archie Comics to make kids sell their dumb shit.

I’m going to work my way up to a Tobey Mcguire makeover, just you watch. Until then, send me shit in the hospital, smallpox sucks…and so does the rash/vomiting….the excessive bleeding I can deal with.

Too often these days people rely on foul language to express their emotions. When in pain, when angry, or even when someone is just trying to get their point across.

FUCKING SHIT GODDAMN ASSHOLE! MY MOTHERFUCKING TOE HURTS LIKE SHIT!

This is highly unnecessary. Fucking funny as a shit-eating cock-ass, but still unnecessary.
So I have composed a list of commonly used swears and alternatives for the office place, formal party or even during a wholesome game of Clue. (p.s. Colonel Mustard is clearly homosexual. He would have been all over Miss Scarlet. Hello… MISS Scarlet, Colonel. Get on it. Oh wait, you like penis? Oh, well I think Professor Plum is pretty open-minded.) Anyway … here it is.
…continue reading An Alternative to Profanity

Yes. He may be responsible for over 500 murders, but come on, how could you not think this guy rules!? If you haven’t heard, he was recently busted by Italian authorities, and was the most wanted man in Italy for over 42 years. This was the guy. The Godfather, The Don, The mob boss of it all. He was literally the Godfather of the Corleone family, so to speak. During his rise to the boss of all bosses, he became known as the tractor, because of the way he mows people down. Hey, I’m sure they deserved it. I can’t imagine the godfather taking down innocent children or something because he felt like it. He killed traitors, informants, and opposing family members trying to steal loot or uncover confidential information regarding the family’s business. Winner of life, plain and simple.

For more, read this: thefirstpost.co.uk

I knew I’d be impressed.

I waited for this for atleast 3 years, but when the time came I sat on my ass and stayed apathetic for a reason that is still unclear to me.
Perhaps it was the metalhead in me refusing it. But finally, I have achieved a higher state of existence and obtained the newest Propagandhi release.

When ‘Todays Empires, Tomorrows Ashes’ came out, I instantly deemed it my single favorite CD in my collection. There was no transition period or ‘warming up’ to the album whatsoever. Less than halfway through the first song and I was in complete awe.

This release is not quite the same. But then again, I didn’t expect it to be. …continue reading Potemkin City Limits

Some people went to a lot of effort to create this. I always thought that a real life Simpsons would be really really bad and couldn’t possibly live up to the cartoon. However, this intro was done really well and I could see how it might work.

I can totally see a few years down the line or maybe if the cartoon ever calls it quits a few years after that they come out with a movie similar to what the Flintstones movie was to the cartoon. Remember, that piece of tripe starring John Goodman and Rosie O’Donnell.

It really is surreal how close this is to the cartoon. I think it would be sweet if they did a whole episode, or maybe even just a chunk of one. I wonder how this works with copyright laws. They must be breaking at least a dozen, just for using the intro sound track alone. Oh well, it’s an interesting find either way.

So to the people who created this, I dub thee winners of life.